@SmithWit: May I get your name? Yes, its "I'm The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee."
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@zachreinert03: If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car.
@SarcasticAlly12: A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
@SuperTeeWhy: [A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk] "Son, when-" *Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes* "Know what, we're good"
@GrowlyGrego: [at Eminem show] Cuz I am / whatever you say I am / [from crowd] "Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!" The shapeshifting continues for hours.