May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast