@SmithWit: May I get your name? Yes, its "I'm The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee."
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking* ME: *immediately dials 911* 911: what the emergency ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
@naughtywriter2: At my funeral - The pastor: "She was truly an angel that fell from heaven" My ex, whispering to my other ex: "So was Lucifer!"
@SteveSuckington: [2nd time at girls house] "where's your dog?" Oh he isn't mine. I was dog sitting [makes text alert sound w mouth] "Its work. I gotta go"
@jonnysun: [whole foods] WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice