May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please