May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks