[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
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My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Monday?
No. Next question.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.