May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Teamwork makes the dream work.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Breaking news:
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after