May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
new shirt idea
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day