You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
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What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.