“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
🙀🙀🙀😹
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*