may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.