may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.