may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
iPhone X
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script