“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
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I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
our love story in four pictures
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..