@smickable: "Maybe a nap will cheer me up!" she said knowing full well she'd wake up feeling like a prisoner of war who time traveled in a sack of bees.
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@OfficeofSteve: I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
@theshantilly: *avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend *keeps avoiding eye contact *walks by friend *hears friend calling name *breaks into a run
@er0tikka: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
@moooooog35: The 7-yr old has the flu so I'm letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.