@silent_musings: Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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@TheRolo: [Text convo] Her: Can I come over right now? Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
@XLCadillac: My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.
@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.