@samalmightysam: Maybe Aliens don't visit us because they're all women and they want us to make the first move.
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@meganamram: Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote "blackbird" about Batman
@Swishergirl24: I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that's not how pregnancy works.
@daddyville: I like the word "panties" so much I'm going to start using it in place of "cool." Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that's panties.
@AmishPornStar1: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."