Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect