@samalmightysam: Maybe Aliens don't visit us because they're all women and they want us to make the first move.
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@JizzIam: Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I'm now waiting on a tow truck.
@sixfootcandy: [blind date] Me: So you can't see me? Him: Nope. Not at all. Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
@AbbyHasIssues: I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.