My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively