[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Writing, She Murdered.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.