maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Not all heroes wear capes….
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
A huge thanks to the person that did this
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold