maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
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After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Best seat on the street 😍
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.