To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
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what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once