@SlickestOfRicks: "Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down." - the guy that invented the pen
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@Tmoney68: [Sloth Job Interview] Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself? *2 hours later* Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What happens when you die? Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
@ShoutingGoddess: One day we'll open Twitter & it'll just say: Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.
@daemonic3: "Is this your resume?" Yes "It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away?" Yes "Welcome to UPS!"