[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Ummm
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.