Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
an airline just for babies.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.