Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I have a type: disappointing
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow