bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Banana is the quietest snack
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in