@ShittingtonUK: Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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@imshitimsorry: lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can't burp so they get mad and cry me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies
@David_Ingram: Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: "How do I accept cash?"
@Schmoodles: There's a party in my pants, with an all you can eat buffet, and a VIP entrance in the rear.
@therealeatwood: ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance? MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.