Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.