Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.