You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?