Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
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inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Best seat on the street 😍
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”