Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene