Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
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DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??