@Black__Elvis: I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

@codyspencer0: The guy who invented folding chairs lovingly cares for his product which is a problem for his wife who has season tickets to pro wrestling

@shutupmikeginn: Sing me a song you're the piano man / clean out my pool you're the gardener /now light up my room you're a ceiling fan

@mattZillaaaa: What a cute baby, what's her name? "Ethel" She's gonna make a great grandmother

@LosLos__: Interviewer: Vader says you aren't the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that? Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.