Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week