Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
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I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?