@Awesomemom10: Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won't realize I paid with Monopoly money.
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@DurtMcHurtt: [job interview] What are your strengths? Me: inventing special occasions. Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
@Parentpains: Surround yourself with people that can't handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.
@Reverend_Scott: [Wonder Woman shows up] Superman: Is she with you? Batman: I thought she was with you? Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today