@Awesomemom10: Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won't realize I paid with Monopoly money.
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@EndhooS: Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
@kelkulus: Pot smokers like to say it's safe because it's natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
@BrettDruck: May he without sin cast the first stone [Everybody picks up rocks] Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin [Everybody puts rocks back down]
@CaptainObtuse: Just printed out 50 copies of today's weather forecast to carry around with me today because I'm just not in the mood for small talk.