ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
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Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it