@jackiembouvier: Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won't notice that I'm sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
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@Mostly_Cheese: Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air. Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation. M: Let’s take another call.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor* Me: What are you doing?! 3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
@HandyJack420: Wait...so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face? -me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks