Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
WTF IS THAT!
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.