Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?