@theDanLawler: Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.
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@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Why should we hire you? Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
@LolaFaglana: I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say "Mommy steals credit cards" when they're in a checkout line.
@mompsychologist: 5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would "have a piece of cheese and calm down" So, yeah, she's mine.
@envydatropic: There's something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn't the cutest baby they've ever seen