Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
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OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
#SuperBowl
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché