Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
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8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Want to talk trash? Recycle.