DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
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You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
🙂🙃🥹
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc