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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
*limbos under the caution tape
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone