@the_moonface: Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.
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@trentistweeting: The amount of tinder matches I've gotten has skyrocketed since I changed my interests from "Murdering" to "Not Murdering"
@BatBatshitcrazy: In the summer there's only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
@Sickayduh: ME: Why are you leaving? WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago ME: Manhasset been that long?
@shariv67: They said I'd have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I'm REALLY into frogs.