I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
stand with me against insufficient seating
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
❤️❤️❤️
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,