If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”