@robdelaney: Maybe if wommen's uteroids weren't such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn't have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
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@NeinQuarterly: The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."
@IRLPepperMD: *talking to mailman* So are you like, made of mail? *mailman laughs* "sure, kid" So that must mean.. *fireman & garbageman walk by* Holy shi
@TheCatWhisprer: I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I'd be like that's enough art.
@ABurgerADay: It's okay if you didn't notice that I switched my beard trimmer's setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.