Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
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I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The glockness monster
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”