@TheDairylandDon: Maybe if you knew Garfield's parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn't be so judgmental.
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@1_swarthy_dude: [interview for waiter position] Manager: "So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?" Stegosaurus: "You're kidding me right?"
@aecide: Saw my neighbor in a peeing contest with his dog on his porch. My mum said there'd be days like this but she never said there'd be so many.
@TheAlexNevil: Death: I've come for you. Me: That's what she said. D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
@jake_likes_naps: [Ouija board in Starbucks] "Speak to me spirits" O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G G R O S S