4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
You Might Also Like
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.