To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
😜
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Ain’t no way
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]