Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces