Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
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I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
this country is so goddamn polarized