ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
#Caturday
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.