Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My beach vacation Google searches
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.